What We Owe Our Kids

In her essay, “Everybody’s Somebody’s Baby” Barbara Kingsolver notes that in some parts of the world, children are cherished, respected, and celebrated. In other places, they’re seen as pests. She cautions “Be careful what you give children, or don't, for sooner or later you will always get it back.”

Not to be a total downer, but here’s a short list of what kids can expect to be given presently:

·        Education that’s often viewed by the general public as babysitting

·        A public health system that is neither public nor healthy, and hospitals packed like 90’s mosh pits

·        Climate concerns that are tossed around like a hot potato

·        A “drive it like you stole it” style economy

·        Human rights that seem to disappear like cotton candy in a mud puddle

·        Leaders who…I don’t even know how to finish this one

Is anyone else a little nervous that this is what we’ll be “getting back” from this next batch of kids? Against my better judgement, I am getting older, as we all are. We’re not always going to be in charge, and when it’s our turn to pay the piper as seniors, we may be in for a world of hurt. If we stay the course we’re on right now, we’ll deserve it.

Please don’t start with the “kids today have the internet and seventeen devices and streamed TV and blah, blah, blah” stuff. Just don’t. It’s not the same as stability, security, and respect. It’s not enough. Don’t complain that you weren’t taken seriously as a kid, either. Albert Einstein once pointed out “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” We’re at a point where we’re in dire need of some different results.  

Beyond the selfish part of this conundrum (what about meeeeee?), I think it’s also important to put critical eyes on what we’re giving our children, as ends in themselves. In my line of work, I get to hear a lot from kids, and I can say with confidence that they are not the adorable, unconcerned goofballs we assume them to be. Okay, they are adorable, but they’re also full-fledged thinking, feeling, whole human beings. They have big thoughts about things like love, truth, beauty, and justice. They have enormous feelings, and they have their good and bad days. They’re brimming with big questions, solutions to problems, and connection to other humans (and non-humans too). I also get to hear a lot of adults dismiss all of this untapped, brilliant humanity. Collectively speaking, we act as if children are a big, expensive, sloppy, sticky, noisy nuisance. We treat them as something to be endured until they (finally) mature and join the rest of us real humans, the ones who are really important.

Not cool, grown-ups. Not. Cool.

So I propose this, as a way to make at least something right with our kids:

We start taking them seriously.

Honestly, I don’t even know how to make a dent in the garbage heap I’ve listed above, but I do know that if we can’t offer kids any other form of compensation, we can at least try to stop seeing them as white noise and treat them as rational people with good ideas. It’s not only the right thing to do in a theoretical sense, but it might actually make space for them to develop some of the thinking skills and awareness of issues they’ll need in order to deal with what’s coming at them (i.e. the garbage heap).

We can start:

·        Listening to them (the smile-and-nod maneuver doesn’t count).

·        Answering the big, difficult questions they’re compelled ask. No, not answering them, discussing them, with an open mind.

·        Putting their thoughts and ideas on the table alongside those of grown-ups.

·        Including them in decision making, especially when the decisions being made are about them.

·        Recognizing that they are rational and logical (albeit in a very different way).

·        Admitting that we big people don’t know everything. We’ve already demonstrated this repeatedly.

·        Saying we’re sorry when we screw up. We screw up a lot, so clear your schedule for this one.

·        Respecting and supporting humans who are raising, teaching and keeping wee folk out of danger. Not everyone is so inclined, but those who are should be set up for success.

I’m not saying that we should let kids run things, or that we should spoil them rotten. The last thing we need right now is a horde of new little monsters, especially when there are so many adult monsters already. It’s still our job to keep kiddos safe, to make sure they’re fed, sheltered, and loved. But we also need to start seeing them as whole, thinking beings, not as adults in training or proto-humans. The children are our future (cheers, Whitney), but they’re also here right now, waiting to be acknowledged as valued members of our society, just the way they are.

That adorable little goofball living in your house just put up with more than two years of a world turned upside down, and there’s plenty more of that awaiting them. They know it. Some adorable goofballs have been putting up with it for much longer than others.  If we adults play things right, we might be worthy of forgiveness for the things we’ve fumbled and overlooked. Kids may even be able to help us find our way through what’s to come. I like to think that starts by telling and showing them that they aren’t a “later” problem, an afterthought, but are included in the “us”, right now. They’re worth it. Maybe all of us big people are too.